Are we in a gay sports bar?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
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