I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
