I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
