He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
