When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
