I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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