i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Blood and glitter go together right?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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