He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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