he thought i was a dude.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
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