Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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