I'm jealous of your bromance
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
