haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
