Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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