i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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