she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
