I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
false alarm, still single
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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