just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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