u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
