don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
