A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize