is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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