Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
