life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize