he thought i was a dude.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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