Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
