Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
