i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
