I'm really into asian looking animals
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
