Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
