Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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