I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
