Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
