Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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