well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
