this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
We had to coat check the pizza.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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