This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
