the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
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Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
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Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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