Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
