i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
