Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
