All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
