i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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