i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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