at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
