Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
