lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Randomize
