i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
