There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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