I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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