well I can't set my house on fire every night
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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