I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
