i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
