You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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