Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
